The Life of Christ in Cats

You know how it is? You’re scrolling through images of Christ in Google Images looking for some inspiration for a Vestry Away Day, and you come across this:

Heavens to Betsy, I thought. But you know, the more I looked – the more I liked.

New Year joke

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:

“Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, you’ve created me and provided this beautiful spot, these wonderful animals, and that comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the voice from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, perhaps I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a man, Lord?”

“Man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster, and stronger than you. And while he’ll need your advice to think properly, he’ll be good at fighting, kicking a ball around, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.

“Sounds good to me,” says Eve. “But isn’t there a catch, Lord?”

“Yeah, well, there is one.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

Prayer

Jimmy goes to the church and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward. Jimmy goes up and the preacher asks, “Jimmy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

“Preacher,” says Jimmy, “I need you to pray for my hearing.”

The preacher puts one finger in Jimmy’s ear and he places the other hand on top of Jimmy’s head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands and stands back.

“Jimmy, how is your hearing now?”

“I don’t know, Reverend,” says Jimmy. “My hearing’s not until next Wednesday.”

Happy Mothering Sunday

We took a break from the dark days of Lent this morning to concentrate on Refreshment and Holy Humour. And what fun we had! Well, I did anyway. We had googly-eye specs, fake dog poo, a snake in a jar, and a squirty lighter.  (Asperges twice, in fact.) Lots of jokes too and all clean.  Here was my favourite offering from Deanna…

Why are pirates like pirates?

Because they aaaarrrrrrr.

Or how about this one…

What is brown and sounds like a church bell?

Dung!

Oh how we laughed.

Joke for the day

A clergy couple went for a Chinese meal in a restaurant to celebrate the anniversary of their ordination. (There! this is now officially a religious joke!) They ordered the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brought the meal, served in a cast-iron lidded pot.

Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and she briefly saw two beady eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asked her husband.

He hadn’t so she asked him to look in the pot. He reached for it and again, the lid rose and he saw two little eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down.

Rather perturbed, they called the waiter over and explained what had happened and demanded an explanation.

“Please sir, what did you order?” asked the waiter.

“Chicken Surprise.”

“Sorry,” said the waiter, “I brought you Peeking Duck.”

Joke for the day

A priest places his order at the pet store: “I need at least 50 mice, 2000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get.” The clerk replies, “We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?” The priest replies, “I’ve accepted a call to another church and the congregation council told me to leave the rectory the way I found it.”

Love your neighbour

By popular demand, this is the joke from yesterday’s sermon…

A husband is at home watching football when his wife interrupts:

‘Darling, could you please fix the light in the hall? It’s been flickering for weeks now.’

The man looks up and with a rather angry expression says:

‘Fix the light now?  Does it look like I have Electrician stamped on my forehead? I don’t think so!’

‘Fine,’ she says, ‘then could you at least fix the front door step? I don’t know how often I’ve tripped on that loose bit of wood.’

The man replies:

‘Does it look like I have B&Q stamped on my forehead? I don’t think so. You know, I’ve had enough of your nagging – I’m off down the pub.’

So he goes down the pub, has a few drinks and then a few more. Then he starts to feel guilty about how he has treated his wife and decides that really he should go home and help out.

As we walks up the path he notices that the front door step has been fixed and when he goes through the front door he sees the hall light is working fine.

‘Honey!’ he calls out, ‘ how did this happen? Everything is fixed.’

So his wife replies:

‘Well, when you left I sat outside and cried and then that nice young neighbour passed by and asked me what was wrong. I told him and he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.’

The husband replies:

‘So what kind of cake did you bake him?’

‘Eh, hello! Do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead? I don’t think so!’