Jokes for Mothering Sunday

A 96 year old mother was being interviewed about her long life and how she felt about being a Mother all those years.

‘I feel just wonderful,’ was her reply. ‘For the first time since I became a Mother, I no longer have to worry about my children.’

‘How is that?’

‘They’re both in nursing homes’.”

Mothers

* My mother taught me religion.
‘You better pray that spot will come out of the carpet.’

* My mother taught me about time travel.
‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’

* My mother taught me about logic.
‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the shops with me.’

* My mother taught me foresight.
‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’

* My mother taught me about the science of osmosis.
‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’

* My mother taught me about contortionism.
‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?’

* My mother taught me about behaviour modification.
‘Stop acting like your father!’

* My mother taught me about envy.
‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.’

* My mother taught me ESP.
‘Put your sweater on! Don’t you think I know when you are cold?’

* My mother taught me humour.
‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.’

* My mother taught me how to become an adult.
‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.’

* My mother taught me genetics.
‘You’re just like your father.’

* My mother taught me wisdom.
‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.’

* My mother taught me about justice.
‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

mother superhero

A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says,
“Hello, Father, we’ve been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we’re going to grant you anything you wish even before you enter Heaven. What can I grant you?”

“Well,” the priest says, “I’ve always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I’ve always wanted to talk to her.”

St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!  The priest is beside is himself, and he manages to say,

“Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I’ve noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?”

“Honestly?” she asked, with a little pained grimace on her face. “Well…. I was really hoping for a girl.”

unattended children

Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, “I’m tired, and it’s getting late. I think I’ll go to bed.”
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day’s lunches. Rinsed out the dishes, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.
She picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.
She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the school trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick shopping list. She put both near her purse.
Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night cream & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.
Dad called out, “I thought you were going to bed.”
“I’m on my way,” she said.
She put some water into the dog’s dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. “I’m going to bed.” And he did…without another thought.

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