12 things I don’t want to hear

I came across this wee poem today in a book. It is called Twelve Things I Don’t Want to Hear by Connie Bensley

Assemble this in eight straighforward steps.
Start with a fish stock, made the day before.
The driver has arrived but, sadly, drunk.
We’ll need some disinfectant for the floor.

Ensure all surfaces are clean and dry.
There’s been a problem, Madam, I’m afraid!
We’d better have the manhole cover up.
Apologies, the doctor’s been delayed.

I’d love to bring a friend, he’s so depressed.
They’ve put you on the camp bed in the hall.
There’s just one table left, perhaps you’d share?
I know it’s midnight, but I had to call…

And it got me thinking about the things a Parish Priest doesn’t want to hear. Some of the above, for sure. Perhaps I might suggest a few more?

  1. The photographer would like to schedule a meeting to discuss the lighting for close-ups at the wedding.
  2. No, we didn’t really know the deceased. He really was a loner, was Uncle Tom.
  3. The Paschal candle won’t fit in the holder (30 minutes before the Vigil).
  4. We’ve never done it like that before.
  5. No, I’m not new – I’ve been a member for 53 years.

OK, over to you now…

14 thoughts on “12 things I don’t want to hear

  1. * I know it’s your day off, Father, but…
    * People are saying…
    * We’re inviting 200 to the Christening, but no, I don’t think any of the 7 Godparents are baptised. What’s ‘baptised’?

    I could go on, but I won’t.

  2. Brilliant. (But v1 line 3 isn’t quite right; a quick Google suggests that it should start “The driver…”).


  3. The furnace didn’t come on again this morning, Pastor. (Sunday morning)
    I’m thinking of going off my meds! (spoken by the church musician with bi-polar disorder)

  4. Off topic a little bit that last comment I know, should be listed under things your organist doesn’t want to hear!

  5. *By the way, you’re preaching this Sunday (text message while I’m on a Fahrt on the Somme)
    *Did you pack the adaptor? (first night in French hotel)

    You can perhaps tell I’m packing – to go to France!

  6. We are having an Ecumenical service for (insert major church festival of choice).
    Are you quite sure of the date on this footnote?

  7. I’m sorry but I can’t seem to find any wafers for Communion today (Easter)
    We’ll sing Hymn number xxx [profound silence as music machine declines to perform]
    Our children are going to tell us what they did in Sunday school today…
    We shall consider Leviticus…

  8. Sorry, I can’t agree with one of Bene’s. When the children tell us what they did in Sunday School is a high point, they are considerably closer to God than most of the adults.

    I’d add “I’ve invited the area council/fraternal/council of churches – you don’t mind providing refreshments do you?”

  9. Pingback: Emotional Rescue: A Poetic Refuge | Grace Quantock Trailblazing Wellness

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