I see that some Italians have invented a Holy Water electronic dispenser so that we are not all spreading germs by dipping our fingers in the Holy Water stoup at the door. Don’t they know that Holy Water is germ-free by virtue of it being holy?
Thanks Ship of Fools. It has been a while since I dropped in but as ever you had me smiling.
Categories: Church · Joke
Tagged: Holy Water, Joke
We took a break from the dark days of Lent this morning to concentrate on Refreshment and Holy Humour. And what fun we had! Well, I did anyway. We had googly-eye specs, fake dog poo, a snake in a jar, and a squirty lighter. (Asperges twice, in fact.) Lots of jokes too and all clean. Here was my favourite offering from Deanna…
Why are pirates like pirates?
Because they aaaarrrrrrr.
Or how about this one…
What is brown and sounds like a church bell?
Dung!
Oh how we laughed.
Categories: Church · Events · Joke
Tagged: Joke, Mothering Sunday
The fake dog poo and the snake in a jar have arrived in time for my Mothering Sunday sermon at the Family Service.
That’s all you’re getting.
Oh Ok then… think Laetare.
Categories: Church · Joke
Tagged: Joke, Mothering Sunday
A clergy couple went for a Chinese meal in a restaurant to celebrate the anniversary of their ordination. (There! this is now officially a religious joke!) They ordered the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brought the meal, served in a cast-iron lidded pot.
Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and she briefly saw two beady eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down.
“Good grief, did you see that?” she asked her husband.
He hadn’t so she asked him to look in the pot. He reached for it and again, the lid rose and he saw two little eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down.
Rather perturbed, they called the waiter over and explained what had happened and demanded an explanation.
“Please sir, what did you order?” asked the waiter.
“Chicken Surprise.”
“Sorry,” said the waiter, “I brought you Peeking Duck.”
A priest places his order at the pet store: “I need at least 50 mice, 2000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get.” The clerk replies, “We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?” The priest replies, “I’ve accepted a call to another church and the congregation council told me to leave the rectory the way I found it.”
By popular demand, this is the joke from yesterday’s sermon…
A husband is at home watching football when his wife interrupts:
‘Darling, could you please fix the light in the hall? It’s been flickering for weeks now.’
The man looks up and with a rather angry expression says:
‘Fix the light now? Does it look like I have Electrician stamped on my forehead? I don’t think so!’
‘Fine,’ she says, ‘then could you at least fix the front door step? I don’t know how often I’ve tripped on that loose bit of wood.’
The man replies:
‘Does it look like I have B&Q stamped on my forehead? I don’t think so. You know, I’ve had enough of your nagging – I’m off down the pub.’
So he goes down the pub, has a few drinks and then a few more. Then he starts to feel guilty about how he has treated his wife and decides that really he should go home and help out.
As we walks up the path he notices that the front door step has been fixed and when he goes through the front door he sees the hall light is working fine.
‘Honey!’ he calls out, ‘ how did this happen? Everything is fixed.’
So his wife replies:
‘Well, when you left I sat outside and cried and then that nice young neighbour passed by and asked me what was wrong. I told him and he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.’
The husband replies:
‘So what kind of cake did you bake him?’
‘Eh, hello! Do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead? I don’t think so!’
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: Joke
From Thaindian News
A catholic priest, who claims that his back yard full of cannabis plants is a gift from God, has been placed under constant surveillance by police.
Father Cyril Papudov, of Petrich, Bulgaria, has been arrested seven times but police have never caught him actually cultivating the crop.
He insists that the cannabis seeded by itself and is part of God’s gift of nature and nothing to do with him.
There has been a great deal of suspicion over the years about what is going on with these plants, Daily Telegraph quoted police, as saying.
“He is a man of the cloth and so a lot of people don”t want to think badly of him but frankly if someone has a huge crop of cannabis in their back garden it’s highly unlikely they are just sitting there admiring its horticultural properties,” the police added.
They are now planning a 24-hour surveillance on the priest
“By keeping a watch on the plants we can make sure this is the case and put an end to any suspicions over the purpose of these plants once and for all, ” the police said.
Which reminds me of that old joke where a priest is pulled over for drunk-driving. He denies that he has touched a drop. The policeman then asks what the bottle of Gin is beside him and he replies that it is just holy water. The policeman takes a drink and declares it is indeed alcohol. “Well, wouldn’t you know it,” says the priest, “He’s done it again! Another miracle!”
Last night, my best friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
She’s such a bitch.
Thanks to Pat, for this one.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: Joke, Living Will
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put one potato in each sack.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: Exercise, Joke
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up. The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn’t know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old man who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, “Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?”
“No, that is not the tradition,” said the old man.
“Then the tradition is to sit during Shema!”
“No,” said the elder. “That is not the tradition.”
“But the congregation fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand.”
“That,” shouted the old man, “is the tradition!”
